I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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