I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
