I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
