if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
