If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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