Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
