i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
