you traded sex for a burrito?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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