saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
