I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
