sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
You can't special order awesome
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
