I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
