Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I cannot find my penis.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
