i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
