if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
