Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Two words: nipple clamps
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