Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You ever have a fart follow you around?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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