The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
