New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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