You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
