Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
