Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
