I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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