K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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