Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i think my mom watched the whole time
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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