his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize