Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
