sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
