i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
