I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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