Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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