every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
