I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize