a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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