My nipple is on Facebook.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
