he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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