I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
