Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
