Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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