I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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