I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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