i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
