The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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