I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
and you fell through a lawn chair
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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