someone threw a dead crab at me
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
