Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
too bad you live with your parents still
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
