I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She announced her abortion via fbk
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
