You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
