I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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