wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
