It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
