My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
