Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
a search helicopter?!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
