if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
