Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
