you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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