So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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