before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
